Below are all the improvements needed in my essay, please make sure each improvement is fixed! Thank you.
1 — Your thesis provides an observation and an interpretation, but some of your phrasing within the thesis needs to be better expressed. In addition, your thesis lacks any “so what” significance in terms of what larger issue you are addressing via this comparison/contrast.
2 — Transitional devices used between paragraphs can be improved.
3 — Here is my analysis of your body paragraphs’ comparison/contrast:
Para 2 — You are clear initially on how the Facilitator method allows for more self-learning. However, in the middle of the paragraph, you also talk about how the Demonstrator method “creates interest” — this emphasis on the weaker method contradicts your thesis. In addition, you end the paragraph with an unclear comparative point on “holding authority” and then offer a classroom set up with a point about attention being on the teacher. This ending creates a lack of unity both for this paragraph and the entire essay.
Para 3 — While you include comparative points again in terms of a student’s understanding, you make the same mistake as you do in Para 2 of emphasizing the strengths of the Demonstrator style on learning. Contrast is what your emphasis should be based on your thesis selecting the Facilitator method over the Demonstrator method as more effective for the learning experience.
Para 4 — While you finally offer a clear contrast, your internal conclusion for this paragraph does not align with your overall thesis.
4 — You do not deliver on the final point of your thesis, and in your conclusion, you strengthen your thesis point by adding the word “only” to the benefits of the Facilitator style — this is not proven by your comparison/contrast within the body of your essay. Your final couple sentences should be the extended contrast emphasis within the body of your essay for your thesis to be effective.
5 — Certain grammatical errors, particularly dangling modifiers, negatively affect the clarity and flow of your writing. Also, be sure to include definite articles (i.e. “the”) in front of certain nouns at times. Finally, certain expressions could be improved for greater clarity.
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